Cheer Up… Here’s Your Horrorscope

Don’t read this if you have a low self-esteem! 

It is supposed to be humorous — poking fun at astrology.

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When were you born? 

AQUARIUS: January 20 – February 18

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, which causes you to make the same mistake over and over again. People think you are stupid.

PISCES: February 19 – March 20

You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI.  You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting it at peers. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do horrible things to small animals.

ARIES: March 21 – April 19

You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

TAURUS: April 20 – May 20

You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are a communist.

GEMINI: May 21 – June 20

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual.
However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap.Geminis are known for committing incest.

CANCER June 21 – July 22

You are sympathetic and understanding toward other people’s problems. They think you are a sucker. You’re always putting things off. That’s why you’ll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancers.

LEO: July 23 – August 22

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are known thieves.

VIRGO: August 23 – September 22

You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your
friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

LIBRA: September 23 – October 22

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make good prostitutes. All Libra die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO: October 23 – November 21

You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS: November 22 – December 21

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, sinceyou lack talent. The majority of Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh atyou a great deal.

CAPRICORN: December 23 – January 19

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don’t do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been born a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as they tend to root. taken from:

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